“But He's a Good Man.” Can You Still Be Unhappy in a Good Relationship?

There's a particular kind of unhappiness that's difficult for women to explain.

Nothing is obviously terrible.

Your partner may genuinely be a good person.

And you're still unhappy.

Then the unhappiness gets company:

Guilt.

Because if he's a good man, shouldn't that be enough?

Not necessarily.

“Good person” and “right relationship for me” are different questions

Someone's character matters.

But:

Is he a good person?

and:

Am I fulfilled in this relationship?

are not identical questions.

You can respect someone and recognize you've grown apart.

You can appreciate what you've built and acknowledge what it cost you.

You can love somebody and realize you've been disappearing inside the relationship.

Two things can be true at once.

Why women sometimes look for a villain

When there's obvious betrayal or mistreatment, women often feel they have permission to question a relationship.

Without that?

We may begin questioning ourselves instead.

Am I selfish?

Am I ungrateful?

Do I expect too much?

What will everybody think?

Other women have it worse.

Eventually, you're no longer examining your relationship.

You're arguing with yourself about whether you're allowed to feel what you already feel.

You don't have to make a decision today

Before asking:

Should I stay?

Should I go?

Try gathering information.

What feels good here?

What doesn't?

What have I stopped asking for?

What am I afraid to say?

Where am I compromising because compromise feels right?

Where am I abandoning myself because I've learned that's what love requires?

And maybe the hardest one:

What do I actually want?

🤎 Coach Yolanda's Corner

If you keep saying “But he's a good man” every time your unhappiness enters the conversation, I want you to notice something.

You may not only be evaluating him.

You may be watching one of your own survival patterns do its job.

Maybe you've learned to second-guess yourself.

Maybe gratitude became I shouldn't want more.

Maybe keeping everybody comfortable became more important than noticing whether you were comfortable.

Maybe you've gotten so good at explaining away your feelings that you don't realize you're doing it.

That's Decoder work.

The Decoder™ is designed to help reveal the survival persona that may be running your life and the beliefs, behaviors, and thought patterns connected to her.

It doesn't tell you whether to stay.

It doesn't tell you to leave.

The outcome we're after here isn't:

He's wrong.

It's not even:

I'm right.

It's:

“I can finally see what's happening inside me.”

A woman who can read her own patterns has a much better chance of making a decision she trusts.

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