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Taboo Tuesday: Stop Researching Narcissism. Start Researching Who You Were.

The truth nobody wants to hear: You've become an expert on his disorder. But you still can't name what YOU need to feel safe.

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You've Got a PhD in His Narcissistic Pathology But Can't Remember What Made YOU Laugh


Let me say something that might sting a little:

You know his attachment style, his childhood wounds, his triggers, and exactly which type of narcissist he is (covert? grandiose? malignant?). You can spot love-bombing at 50 paces. You've memorized the narcissistic abuse cycle. You could probably teach a masterclass on narcissistic injury.


But can you tell me what makes you feel genuinely peaceful? What activities make you lose track of time? What your actual boundaries are versus the ones you think you should have?

Those 47 articles about narcissistic rage won't restore your personality. They're comfort research—keeping you busy but not rebuilt.


I get it. I really do. When everything feels chaotic and out of control, research feels like power. It feels like if you can just understand him deeply enough, you'll finally have the answers you've been searching for.


But here's the trauma-informed truth: Every hour you spend on Narc-Tok is an hour you're NOT spending on identity archaeology.


Why You're Stuck in Research Mode (And It's Not What You Think)


From a trauma-informed perspective, there's a reason you keep returning to narcissism content even though you've already left, already know it was abuse, already understand the patterns.

Your nervous system is trying to complete something it couldn't complete during the relationship: making sense of the chaos.


When you were being gaslighted, your brain was desperately trying to find logic in the illogical. It was scanning constantly for patterns, trying to predict his behavior, attempting to figure out the "rules" so you could finally feel safe.

That hypervigilance doesn't just turn off the day you leave. Your brain is still in threat-detection mode, still trying to solve the puzzle. Research gives you that illusion of control and safety.


But here's the problem: You're researching the wrong subject.

You don't need to understand him better. You need to understand you better. Specifically, the you that existed before survival mode became your default setting.


The Identity Erosion You Didn't Even Notice


Narcissistic abuse doesn't just hurt you—it systematically erases you.

It changed how you talk to yourself. How you make decisions. What you think you deserve. How you show up in every room you enter. Your capacity for joy. Your ability to trust your own perceptions.


You became the Perfectionist who can't make a mistake. Or the People-Pleaser who can't say no. Or the Overachiever who can't rest. Or the Invisible One who can't take up space.

These weren't who you were before. These were survival strategies your nervous system created to keep you safe in an unsafe relationship.


And now? Now you're free from him—but you're still living as the survival version of yourself because you haven't done the identity restoration work.

You've studied his narcissism. Now it's time to study your own personality—the real one hiding underneath all that armor.


Here's 1 Trauma-Informed Tool to Start Identity Archaeology TODAY


These aren't fluffy "just think positive" exercises. These are practical, trauma-informed tools that respect where your nervous system actually is right now.


Tool #1: The Personality Reconnaissance Journal


What it is: 15 minutes daily of investigative journaling about your authentic self

How to do it:

  • Set a timer for 15 minutes

  • Answer ONE of these questions per day:

    • "Before the relationship, what did I do on Saturday mornings that felt like me?"

    • "What's one thing I stopped doing that I miss?"

    • "When do I feel most like myself—even if it's only for 5 minutes?"

    • "What did I used to laugh at before I started walking on eggshells?"

    • "What decision would I make if I wasn't afraid of judgment?"


Why it works (trauma-informed lens): Your survival brain won't let you make big identity shifts overnight—that feels too vulnerable, too risky. But 15-minute daily reconnaissance missions feel manageable. You're gathering data, not committing to massive change. This works WITH your nervous system, not against it.


The Work Nobody Wants to Do

(But Everyone Needs)


Here's what's uncomfortable about identity archaeology: It requires you to stop focusing on him and start focusing on you.


And for many women, that feels selfish. Dangerous. Unfamiliar.

You spent months (or years) in a relationship where making it about you was punished. Where your needs were dismissed. Where your personality was critiqued, minimized, or erased entirely.


So turning the focus inward now? That takes courage.

But this is the work that actually creates transformation. Not understanding THEIR narcissism better. Not researching attachment styles until 3am. Not collecting trauma knowledge like Pokemon cards.


The real work is excavating who you are underneath the survival mechanisms.


The real work is learning to recognize when you're operating from your authentic self versus your trauma-adapted persona.

The real work is giving yourself permission to take up space, speak up, say no, want things, change your mind, and be imperfect without it meaning you're broken.


What This Actually Looks Like in Real Life


Let me be real with you about what identity restoration looks like in practice:

It's messy. It's not linear. Some days you'll feel like you've made massive progress, and other days you'll catch yourself people-pleasing or apologizing for existing and think "I'm back at square one."

You're not.


Every time you notice you're in survival mode, that's data collection. Every time you consciously choose differently, that's rewiring. Every time you give yourself permission to be authentic even when it's uncomfortable, that's growth.


It looks like:

  • Setting a boundary and feeling guilty but doing it anyway

  • Saying what you actually want instead of what you think will keep the peace

  • Making a decision based on your intuition instead of polling everyone around you

  • Letting yourself feel joy without immediately waiting for the other shoe to drop

  • Recognizing when you're performing a personality versus actually being yourself

This is the work. Not sexy. Not always comfortable. But absolutely transformative.


The Truth About Your Inner Critic


You know what keeps most women stuck in narcissism research instead of identity restoration?


The inner critic that sounds suspiciously like your ex.

That voice that says:

  • "You're being dramatic"

  • "It wasn't that bad"

  • "You're too sensitive"

  • "You should be over this by now"

  • "What's wrong with you that you can't just move on?"

That voice isn't you. That's the internalized gaslighting still running in the background.

And that voice? It needs to be addressed directly.

That's exactly why I created Stop Gaslighting Yourself The Inner Critic Workbook: The Distortion Detox.

It's not about understanding your inner critic. It's about dismantling the distorted beliefs it's repeating—the ones that were never yours to begin with.

Inside, you'll get:


  • The CBT-based framework for identifying cognitive distortions that keep you stuck

  • Practical exercises to separate his voice from your authentic inner wisdom

  • Tools to rewire the negative self-talk that's been playing on repeat

  • A step-by-step process to rebuild self-trust after gaslighting destroyed it


Because here's the thing: You can do all the identity archaeology in the world, but if your inner critic is still running his programming, you'll keep sabotaging your own restoration.



Start Today. Not When You "Feel Ready."


You don't need to be "healed enough" to start identity restoration work. You don't need to finish processing your trauma first. You don't need to understand every nuance of narcissistic pathology.


You need to start asking yourself: Who am I when I'm not surviving anymore?

That question—and the daily practice of answering it—is what changes everything.

So stop researching narcissism. Start researching who you were.

Your authentic self has been waiting.



Coach Yolanda My Human Diary Relationship Coaching LLC Certified Trauma-Informed Life Coach | Therapeutic Art Life Coach | Cognitive Behavioral Life Coach

P.S. If you found this helpful, share it with someone else who needs to hear it. We rise together. 🔥


 
 
 

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