It's Taboo Tuesday: How to Spot a Female Narcissist — 10 Signs She’s Playing Mind Games
- Yolanda Durrah
- Jul 29
- 4 min read
Ladies, let’s talk about something we rarely bring to the table: The female narcissist.
We’re used to hearing about the manipulative ex-boyfriend or the controlling male partner. But what about her? The friend, the mother, the boss, the “it girl” who seems supportive one minute, cold and cutting the next.
She doesn’t throw chairs, scream in public, or make her manipulation obvious. She’s covert — smooth, subtle, and highly skilled at making you feel like the problem while she plays the victim.
Most women don’t call this out because it feels messy. We don’t want to admit that other women can be just as damaging — sometimes more — than men in our lives. But if you’ve ever felt drained, confused, or like you’re constantly “not enough” around another woman, it’s time to stop overlooking the signs.
Here are 10 ways a female covert narcissist plays mind games — and why you can’t afford to ignore them.
1. Hypersexual Love Bombing (Then Ice-Cold Withdrawal)
She starts out making you feel irresistible — like you’re the only one in the room. Then suddenly, intimacy becomes a bargaining chip, a punishment, or a complete shutdown. This isn’t about desire; it’s about control and destabilizing your self-worth.
2. Compliments That Turn to Criticism
At first, she puts you on a pedestal. You’re her “favorite,” her “perfect match,” her “everything.” Then, like clockwork, those compliments turn to subtle digs, comparisons, and criticisms. That pedestal? It was a setup.
3. Ruthless Gossip & Smear Campaigns
It starts as harmless “girl talk.” Then you realize she’s gossiping about everyone — including you. She recruits allies (“flying monkeys”) to spin stories, ruin reputations, and make you feel isolated or dependent on her.
4. Obsession with Appearances (and Your Wallet)
She flaunts designer bags, fancy vacations, and a picture-perfect life… even if it’s all credit cards and filters. She might expect you (or others) to fund her lifestyle, making your value feel tied to how much you provide.
5. Silent Treatment & Passive-Aggressive Control
When she’s upset? She shuts down, ghosts you, or gives you that silent, icy wall until you come crawling back. These aren’t communication issues — they’re power plays designed to make you feel like you’re always chasing her approval.
6. Emasculation & Gaslighting (“Man Up.”)
If you’re a man in her life, your masculinity becomes a weapon against you. She shames vulnerability, questions your ability to provide, and gaslights you into believing you’re weak for wanting respect or reciprocity.
7. Faux Empathy (For Everyone But You)
In public, she’s the picture of compassion. In private, when you need comfort or support? Ice cold. Her empathy is a performance, not a connection.
8. Moving the Goalposts — You’ll Never “Be Enough.”
You cook, you provide, you show up… but it’s never enough. She keeps the finish line moving, making sure you’re always hustling for her approval while she stays in control.
9. Selective Boundaries
Her boundaries? Sacred. Yours? Negotiable. She’ll cross every line you set but will shame you for even brushing against hers.
10. Control Through Jealousy & Loyalty Tests
She flirts in front of you, tells you how “everyone” hits on her, or purposely stirs jealousy. If you’re not jealous, she accuses you of not caring. If you question her, you’re “paranoid.” Either way, she wins.
Why This Matters (and Why We Don’t Talk About It)
Female narcissists don’t get called out because we, as women, are taught to protect each other—even when one of us is toxic. But silence keeps you stuck. These women drain your energy, wreck your confidence, and make healthy relationships feel impossible.
If you’re constantly questioning your worth around another woman — friend, boss, sister, or even your mother — it’s not “just how women are.” It’s a toxic pattern you can break.
Ready to Break the Cycle?
If this feels all too familiar, don’t just survive it — heal from it.
Start with my “Mind Rewired” eBook from yolandadeniseco.com/shop.
Five Stand-out Features in Mind Rewired: Mental Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse
5-Step Inner-Critic Reset + SOS Pattern-Interrupt
A bite-size worksheet walks you from Awareness to an action plan in 24 hours, while the phone-sized “STOP-OBSERVE-SHIFT” card gives you a 10-second rescue when negative loops hit
“Seven Inner Critics” ID & Coaching Prompts
Perfectionist, Controller, Taskmaster, Judge, Guilt-Tripper, Underminer, Destroyer—spot the exact voice sabotaging you, then use targeted questions to deflate its power
Self-Worth Checklist + Builder Plan
A quick self-scan pinpoints validation hunger, perfectionism, and other low-esteem flags, followed by five practical exercises (from mini-journals to belief-challenges) that raise worthiness without therapy bills
Confidence Wheel, Test & Skill Drills
Rate confidence across life areas, then apply step-by-step drills—goal-setting, fear-facing, self-compassion—to watch the wheel expand week after week...
“Inner Coach” Voice Training
Swap the inner critic for an inner mentor: prompts help you identify negative self-talk, rewrite it with compassion, and rehearse a supportive script you can replay anytime
Because thriving isn’t taboo — it’s your new standard.
All the best,
Coach Yolanda
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