top of page
Search

Taboo Tuesday: You Didn’t “Lose” Yourself—You Were Trained To Abandon Her

ree

Let’s tell the truth we’re not supposed to say out loud:In a narcissistic relationship, the price of admission is you. Your voice. Your needs. Your energy. Your Thursday night with friends. Your favorite pizza toppings, the thermostat temp, the way you laugh too loud. Bit by bit, you learned that keeping the “relationship” meant erasing yourself.

And when it finally ends? You look in the mirror and feel like a stranger. Everyone says “move on,” but your nervous system is still on guard duty—scanning the room for danger, apologizing for existing, negotiating with ghosts.

Today’s Taboo Tuesday is your permission slip to stop pretending that you “just need closure.” What you need is a rebuild.


The Taboo Truths No One Says


  • You didn’t betray yourself. They betrayed you, and you adapted to survive.

  • You didn’t “lose” your identity—you were trained to trade it for access.

  • Love-bombing is not love. It’s the fantasy costume they put on to reel you back to the same stage set.

  • Staying or leaving are both hard. The work is the same: radical clarity, fierce boundaries, real community, and a plan for the rain.

“Don’t burn your umbrellas. You will need them again.”Translation: even after sunny days, the storm returns. Prepare, don’t romanticize.

The Solo Year Rule (Yes, a Whole Year)


Here’s the most controversial, healing thing you can do after narcissistic abuse: don’t date for a year.Not to “punish” yourself. To recalibrate yourself.

  • Relearn your preferences: what you eat, watch, wear, and want.

  • Rebuild social muscle: Thursday night with your people is non-negotiable.

  • Let your body experience quiet: no walking on eggshells, no crisis management.

  • Practice radical acceptance: this person is not changing; your standards are.

Alone ≠ lonely. Alone = aligned.


From Survival Persona to True Self


Survival taught you to overgive, overexplain, and overfunction. Reclamation teaches you to observe, choose, and protect.

  • Observe: “What’s happening in my body right now?” (jaw tight, stomach drop, shallow breath)

  • Choose: “What matters to me here?” (safety, respect, time with my friends)

  • Protect: “What boundary keeps me whole?” (“I’m not discussing that.” “I’m leaving this conversation.”)

This isn’t attitude. It’s aftercare for your nervous system.


Radical Acceptance (The Grown-Woman Part)


Radical acceptance isn’t approval; it’s clarity. It sounds like:

  • “Good days don’t mean a good relationship—they mean a bad day is coming.”

  • “If I stay (because kids, finances, safety), I stay with a plan, not a fantasy.”

  • “If I leave, I expect post-separation chaos—and I build a support wall before the door closes.”

  • “Either way, I stop explaining myself to someone committed to misunderstanding me.”

Grief is part of this. Mourning what will never be is how you clear space for who you are becoming.


If You Stay vs. If You Leave: The Quick Playbooks

If You Stay (for now):


  • Umbrella Protocol: Expect storms; stop arguing with the forecast.

  • Information Diet: Stop feeding them your good news and your soft spots.

  • Parallel Path: Build meaning elsewhere—parenting, friendships, purpose work, faith.

  • Community on Speed Dial: You need women who will say, “Sis, you know where this goes.”


If You Leave:


  • Safety First: Document, lock down finances, change routines, reroute communication.

  • Post-Breakup Reality: Hoovering, smear campaigns, custody games. Don’t personalize the chaos.

  • Ritualize Regulation: Daily body resets (walks, breathwork, morning check-ins) to train your system that peace is safe.

  • Future Pacing: You’re not moving on—you’re moving into your authentic life.


The Red Flag Rebrand (for Your Brain)


  • “They’re being so sweet this week.” → It’s weather, not climate. Keep your umbrella.

  • “I slipped and engaged again.” → You’re human. Reset. Re-choose. Re-protect.

  • “Maybe it’s me.” → It’s a pattern, not a personality flaw. Name it. Don’t carry it.


Identity Rehab: A 7-Day Reset to Start Tonight


  1. Day 1 – Inventory: List 10 things you gave up to keep the peace. Circle 3 you’re reclaiming this month.

  2. Day 2 – Body Check: Set three alarms (AM, midday, PM) that ask: Safe or spiked? Respond with a 60-second breath reset.

  3. Day 3 – Social Proof: Text two friends: “Hold me accountable to Thursday nights.” Show up even if you don’t talk about it.

  4. Day 4 – Boundary Script: Write one sentence you’ll use this week: “I’m not available for that.” Practice out loud.

  5. Day 5 – Joy Rehearsal: Schedule one thing that is purely yours (class, walk, playlist, nails). Protect it like court.

  6. Day 6 – Radical Acceptance: Journal: What won’t change? What will I do to keep myself safe anyway?

  7. Day 7 – Future Anchor: Describe a normal day in your regulated life—morning to night. One paragraph. Read it daily.


Small hinges swing big doors. It’s the daily that rebuilds you.


For Parents Navigating Adult Children With Narc Traits (The Spicy Part)

  • Give development time to develop (that 18–25 brain is still cooking), but don’t ignore patterns.

  • Addiction + narcissism often overlap; sobriety doesn’t automatically equal humility.

  • Button up assets, protect siblings from triangulation, and stop letting guilt write your checks.

  • Radical acceptance still applies: you can love your child and refuse to finance the chaos.


The Point


You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re not “too much.”You’re a woman stepping out of a behavioral climate that demanded self-abandonment and calling your power back one regulated breath, one boundary, one Thursday night at a time.


I can’t make the rain stop. I can make sure you never stand in it without an umbrella again.


Your Next Move: Rebuild Faster With The Reclaim & Regulate Bundle (Limited)


When you’re ready to move from reading to re-coding, grab the 3-piece bundle I built for this exact season:

  1. The Mind Rewired™ – Mental recovery workbook to quiet the inner chaos and think clearly

  2. The Nervous System Reboot™ – 30-day regulation plan so your body learns that peace is safe

  3. The Self-Trust Strategy™ – Trauma-informed goal system to rebuild follow-through and identity:

→ Buy the bundle here: yolandadeniseco.com/store(Individual product links below



Bonuses this week:

You don’t need permission to be whole.You need a plan—and a community that refuses to let you shrink again.


I’m that community. Let’s rebuild you. 🌹


Coach Yolanda

 
 
 

Comments

Rated 0 out of 5 stars.
No ratings yet
Add a rating
bottom of page